i think i might be having a small heart attack

self destruction

quit my job today.
people are tired of drama and tell me it's nothing, stop overreacting.
at the same time they tell me i don't seem appropriately concerned.
maybe they're overreacting.

i felt like dying earlier. like doing it myself with sharp things and pills. i didn't tell anyone because they would think i'm overreacting.

if i don't say something it could get bad, feed and grow in my head. but if i do, they'll push me away or worse again. maybe i will tell somebody someday, when the danger has passed.

life is awkward.

work sucks.

family is good.

friends are weird.

self is ...

yeah.

i feel drugged and unsettled. i can't remember where i've been.

i cannot win today.

everyone is a douche, everything is broken, everything is falling through and i feel like shit, and yes, i've been aware of father's day for about two months now.

but i will make it better.

stoners

regis and kelly - i never watch it, but i'm sitting in front of it this morning.

and let me tell you, it's like watching stoned teenagers.

stupid vacuum

so tired of my vacuums being piles of shit.

my upright smells like burning and doesn't work very well, so i got a dustbuster. and it's complete shit, it hardly works at all. i need to shell out for a pretty good one with attachments for the damned cat litter fiasco.

also maybe a covered litter box.

paycheck tomorrow and i need to get a few things. i hope i can save up a little for that tattoo. the schedule looks good. and saving it. gonna go back to isp after a month of not doing it. i kind of already mastered my new job, and that's comforting and now i have to try to go back and do well again. that's a pain. lots of pressure on me to do well too.

i want my fucking night shift pay back.

i can't stop watching south park. i should eat dinner. time is going really fast and that makes me feel like panic.

kind of killed the diet a little but getting back on track. i can feel the lack of willpower now though. and i think i am depressed.

fuck, i haven't stayed up that late in a while. last night i was pondering the new schedule that starts next week, 7-330. i guess i'll have to go to bed at like 9, 930. that's a little lame. but i will have daylight hours to do things.

i've been thinking about the writing again. i have to start. i always have to start.

my fingernails and really dirty and i have to get up and do important things.

i almost shit frisbees when i saw my insurance statement. turns out they tried to file my therapy under another patient - the desk must've screwed up. that could've been worse.

i can't stop watching south park. i turn it on every moment im chillin on the couch. i wonder what the next obsession will be when i'm done with this.

the nails are long and good, but stuff gets under them.

i can't get laid anymore. gay pride sunday. woo.

shit, i almost forgot about you

okay, so if i don't keep this up as a tab, apparantley i forget it exists. SIX DAYS. that sounds like a long time without an entry.

my cat is trying to get in the trash and i keep scaring him away, but when i fall asleep, that shit will be all over. every time i come home there is some new food mess. today it was food he actually ripped ot of a sealed box, then ripped the package open and got crumbs all over.

otherwise, shit is pretty good. i worry a little less, the lithium seems to not to be fucking me up too badly, and the diet is progressing. i don't know if it's effective, i don't weigh myself. but i feel better, and feel like i look better.

i can't ever tell is any of this in environmental or regular mental. i guess that's something i should finally accept.

i feel such a sense of relief. i'm so worried, still. it's funny that way, when i worry about everyone else, i seem to have less problems dealing with my own shit. because it's not as important.

when will i be able to stop worrying? will he lie to me? i can't think about that.

i'm sooooo relieved. i dont want to start worrying again, although i know i can't completely rule it out. but he's asleep now, so peaceful and calm and huggy. i wish i could stay with him all the time. he's probably leaving town tomorrow, and i hope he's okay. he has good friends up there with him. i'm not a really big god person, but he is.

so, thanks, god. really. thank you.

so there's that

i guess i will watch a movie soon.

i don't know what to say, or bring, or do when i go see mason. i guess just sit with him, that seemed to be the thing when i was locked up.

work is going to be mad at me.

if i could get out of my body for a while maybe i could be responsible.

WOOO. twitchy shit.

fuck fuck fuck twitchy damn. its probably just me and goes away. damn. phew. what's the fuck is that/that/that/ahtfnmg;dfh PRESS THE RIGHT KEY.

fucking beat. emotionally, mentally, physically.

shoutout to mason for being psychic and for the best birthday present ever.

sorry i didn't cuddle, i took some benadryl before i came over because i can never sleep in strange places.

im killing time thinking of easy ways to kill myself. i kind of wish there was someone i could share these thoughts with that wouldn't go, "aww, honey, no."

i could kill myself right now. i really could, in a sedated way. it's good maybe that they took my sedatives away or i would never wake up again.

happy birthday, self. thanks for everything.

i love watching the thunder - everything reminds me of you. it's warm and breezy and perfect outside.

tomorrow is my birthday and i hope something nice happens and i don't end up feeling alone.

my cat got me on the eyelid last night and it hurts like a bitch.

i should put more trust in my friends. they love me and are amazing. i just had a moment of schizophrenia or something.

maybe that says something? please, make me feel even slightly secure and you can come too, i want you to.

note to self: mason is awesome.

i can't get out of my head that thought that i will be different soon. it scares me a little, but mostly i just assume i will be disappointed that nothing has changed. thank god.

i can't wait to see christian bale kill people in a really hot way. that kind of think reaches my sinister side.

i can't believe i'd rather be delusionally confident and angry and indignant than thoughtful and loving and vulnerable.

things i want right now:

to keep listening to this song forever. when something awesome happens to me, it will only add to it. it fuels me.

for rachel not to be a buzzkill tonight, and maybe come over to brooke's with me.

to meet people at brooke's who i don't already know so i don't have to worry about what i think of them.

to make a decision about chris, but lord knows i'll be stuck in limbo there forever.

to make a lot of muffins. and eat them. but i'm on a diet so i'll just be nice and give them away.

to be a better person so i can say i'm too good for you. to prove to myself i'm a better person than you, even though i like how human we are together.

to talk to mason, but i think that sounds too needy. i might do it anyway.

to stop feeling like an idiot when it comes to you, to me, to everything. to stop distracting myself with every other fucking thing because i've avoiding how weak you make me feel, how pathetic, how needy, how obsessive, how fucked up, how hopeless, clueless, and hyperbolic about everything. i love how you make me feel, in such a basic way, exposed, true, free, savage - everything all together, but i know this makes me look insane and i wish you couldn't see that part.

to BE ABLE TO SAY THIS SHIT TO YOU and feel like it provokes any fucking thought at all except my own sparse humiliation.

to stop doubting myself, because i'm the only person i have, when it comes down to it.

to not say anything at all.

don't say you'll call when you won't.
is it sad to think more of a person than who they actually are?
it might be impossible to tell how much of a person anyone can be.

i think i could be tame and sweet if the mood struck me.

good description of where my brain is

This whole routine is getting old
So am I and so are you.
My reputation lets me know I can do whatever I want to
Though it seems that you believe you can do whatever it is you please
Not before, not before you wind up on your knees.

(Don't cry to me no more)
You like the way that people stare at you now
You look so fake, just thought that you should know
And you're all the same and when the curtain drops down
You'll be replaced by something typical.

You set yourself up to be sold.
And that's okay cause that's your role.
Manipulation takes it toll.
What will you do when nobody wants you?
Though it seems that you believe you can do whatever it is you please
Not before, not before you wind up on your knees.

(Don't cry to me no more)
You like the way that people stare at you now
You look so fake, just thought that you should know
And you're all the same and when the curtain drops down
You'll be replaced by something typical.

I know I've stood so long beside you
And I know I should have left you right where I had found you
I know I stood so long beside you
And I've known I should have left you right where I had found you

You like the way that people stare at you now
You look so fake, just thought that you should know
And you're all the same and when the curtain drops down
You'll be replaced by something typical.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sn4rS8uY2BA

i dearly love all my friends.

thanks for the ice cream, and the general safe body meshing which was so fun.

there may be people out there, in the real world, given the perfect opportunity, that i would not fuck. this is a revelation. am i coming down?

thank god.

Go Radio!

lists are the love of my life

what i liked about today, in chronological order:

- waking up feeling shitty but being able to go back to sleep
- getting anxious about my new therapist and it turning out to be easy and fun
- paying someone to let me talk nonstop for an hour
- driving back up to ames
- having to think on my feet when my cell phone loses service
- the majestic butterfly wing making me feel pretty damned majestic
- meeting Robin in the butterfly wing because she is proactive and super nice
- seeing a moth the size of an 8 year old
- having someone make an effort to be my company
- DINOSAURS MOTHERFUCKER
- taking Michael to Panchero's because he'd never been there before
- amazingly comfortable couches
- jaw crushing hugs that make you feel appreciated
- an overwhelming sense of being comfortable in my skin
- thinking about gorgeous Pakistani guys
- meeting Rachel at the exact same time she was meeting me
- great opening bands
- Paul rocking out Agristar calls
- Woodchuck on tap
- being the happiest person in the room
- feeling physically strong and enduring again
- being brave and wild and completely un-self-conscious
- having things already done when i get home
- not having to wake up earlier than I need to in the morning

having amazing friends and knowing amazing people.

choose your own adventure

you just woke up from a bad dream. what do you do?

to wake up and make breakfast, turn to page 6.
to go back to sleep, turn to page 8.
to turn into a hysterical woman who has to be dragged away by emts, turn to page 13.

-----

you have murdered your entire family, return to page 12.

-----

you have been eaten by a grue. go back to page 5.

-----

you never wake up again. sorry.

-----

they are going to leave you here. do not pass go. do not collect $200.

-----

you have no choice. proceed to the last page.

-----

Congratulations, you killed the dinosaurs, saved the universe, and made chicken pot pie. Have a nice day.

my freedom is in question

i'm scared. i'll cop to it. this is the deciding moment.

one of them, anyway.

it happened while we slept.

someone burned our village down, and now we're dead and we don't know it.

this is what it's like to die in your sleep. but it will be fine.

i knew this day would come, but i fucking hate you anyway.

"Get out!" is what i keep screaming at you because i'm dead and how can you be here?
trauma, trauma
and you will come back.

i can't even stand the structure of sentences right now.

what i would say to stephan jenkins:

we should talk like real people.

it's my birthday and i want you to acknowledge me. someone should say anything that makes me feel like life isn't entirely up to chance, that thoughts aren't entirely up to chance. that they don't pop into heads on a whim and take up space or fade away. i want to know someone thinks about me enough to make an effort to remember me, and i want proof. i have to know.

i want to make a difference and i want to see it.