i think i might be having a small heart attack

self destruction

quit my job today.
people are tired of drama and tell me it's nothing, stop overreacting.
at the same time they tell me i don't seem appropriately concerned.
maybe they're overreacting.

i felt like dying earlier. like doing it myself with sharp things and pills. i didn't tell anyone because they would think i'm overreacting.

if i don't say something it could get bad, feed and grow in my head. but if i do, they'll push me away or worse again. maybe i will tell somebody someday, when the danger has passed.

life is awkward.

work sucks.

family is good.

friends are weird.

self is ...

yeah.

i feel drugged and unsettled. i can't remember where i've been.

i cannot win today.

everyone is a douche, everything is broken, everything is falling through and i feel like shit, and yes, i've been aware of father's day for about two months now.

but i will make it better.

stoners

regis and kelly - i never watch it, but i'm sitting in front of it this morning.

and let me tell you, it's like watching stoned teenagers.

stupid vacuum

so tired of my vacuums being piles of shit.

my upright smells like burning and doesn't work very well, so i got a dustbuster. and it's complete shit, it hardly works at all. i need to shell out for a pretty good one with attachments for the damned cat litter fiasco.

also maybe a covered litter box.

paycheck tomorrow and i need to get a few things. i hope i can save up a little for that tattoo. the schedule looks good. and saving it. gonna go back to isp after a month of not doing it. i kind of already mastered my new job, and that's comforting and now i have to try to go back and do well again. that's a pain. lots of pressure on me to do well too.

i want my fucking night shift pay back.

i can't stop watching south park. i should eat dinner. time is going really fast and that makes me feel like panic.

kind of killed the diet a little but getting back on track. i can feel the lack of willpower now though. and i think i am depressed.

fuck, i haven't stayed up that late in a while. last night i was pondering the new schedule that starts next week, 7-330. i guess i'll have to go to bed at like 9, 930. that's a little lame. but i will have daylight hours to do things.

i've been thinking about the writing again. i have to start. i always have to start.

my fingernails and really dirty and i have to get up and do important things.

i almost shit frisbees when i saw my insurance statement. turns out they tried to file my therapy under another patient - the desk must've screwed up. that could've been worse.

i can't stop watching south park. i turn it on every moment im chillin on the couch. i wonder what the next obsession will be when i'm done with this.

the nails are long and good, but stuff gets under them.

i can't get laid anymore. gay pride sunday. woo.

shit, i almost forgot about you

okay, so if i don't keep this up as a tab, apparantley i forget it exists. SIX DAYS. that sounds like a long time without an entry.

my cat is trying to get in the trash and i keep scaring him away, but when i fall asleep, that shit will be all over. every time i come home there is some new food mess. today it was food he actually ripped ot of a sealed box, then ripped the package open and got crumbs all over.

otherwise, shit is pretty good. i worry a little less, the lithium seems to not to be fucking me up too badly, and the diet is progressing. i don't know if it's effective, i don't weigh myself. but i feel better, and feel like i look better.

i can't ever tell is any of this in environmental or regular mental. i guess that's something i should finally accept.

i feel such a sense of relief. i'm so worried, still. it's funny that way, when i worry about everyone else, i seem to have less problems dealing with my own shit. because it's not as important.

when will i be able to stop worrying? will he lie to me? i can't think about that.

i'm sooooo relieved. i dont want to start worrying again, although i know i can't completely rule it out. but he's asleep now, so peaceful and calm and huggy. i wish i could stay with him all the time. he's probably leaving town tomorrow, and i hope he's okay. he has good friends up there with him. i'm not a really big god person, but he is.

so, thanks, god. really. thank you.

so there's that

i guess i will watch a movie soon.

i don't know what to say, or bring, or do when i go see mason. i guess just sit with him, that seemed to be the thing when i was locked up.

work is going to be mad at me.

if i could get out of my body for a while maybe i could be responsible.

WOOO. twitchy shit.

fuck fuck fuck twitchy damn. its probably just me and goes away. damn. phew. what's the fuck is that/that/that/ahtfnmg;dfh PRESS THE RIGHT KEY.

fucking beat. emotionally, mentally, physically.

shoutout to mason for being psychic and for the best birthday present ever.

sorry i didn't cuddle, i took some benadryl before i came over because i can never sleep in strange places.

im killing time thinking of easy ways to kill myself. i kind of wish there was someone i could share these thoughts with that wouldn't go, "aww, honey, no."

i could kill myself right now. i really could, in a sedated way. it's good maybe that they took my sedatives away or i would never wake up again.

happy birthday, self. thanks for everything.