i love watching the thunder - everything reminds me of you. it's warm and breezy and perfect outside.

tomorrow is my birthday and i hope something nice happens and i don't end up feeling alone.

my cat got me on the eyelid last night and it hurts like a bitch.

i should put more trust in my friends. they love me and are amazing. i just had a moment of schizophrenia or something.

maybe that says something? please, make me feel even slightly secure and you can come too, i want you to.

note to self: mason is awesome.

i can't get out of my head that thought that i will be different soon. it scares me a little, but mostly i just assume i will be disappointed that nothing has changed. thank god.

i can't wait to see christian bale kill people in a really hot way. that kind of think reaches my sinister side.

i can't believe i'd rather be delusionally confident and angry and indignant than thoughtful and loving and vulnerable.

things i want right now:

to keep listening to this song forever. when something awesome happens to me, it will only add to it. it fuels me.

for rachel not to be a buzzkill tonight, and maybe come over to brooke's with me.

to meet people at brooke's who i don't already know so i don't have to worry about what i think of them.

to make a decision about chris, but lord knows i'll be stuck in limbo there forever.

to make a lot of muffins. and eat them. but i'm on a diet so i'll just be nice and give them away.

to be a better person so i can say i'm too good for you. to prove to myself i'm a better person than you, even though i like how human we are together.

to talk to mason, but i think that sounds too needy. i might do it anyway.

to stop feeling like an idiot when it comes to you, to me, to everything. to stop distracting myself with every other fucking thing because i've avoiding how weak you make me feel, how pathetic, how needy, how obsessive, how fucked up, how hopeless, clueless, and hyperbolic about everything. i love how you make me feel, in such a basic way, exposed, true, free, savage - everything all together, but i know this makes me look insane and i wish you couldn't see that part.

to BE ABLE TO SAY THIS SHIT TO YOU and feel like it provokes any fucking thought at all except my own sparse humiliation.

to stop doubting myself, because i'm the only person i have, when it comes down to it.

to not say anything at all.

don't say you'll call when you won't.
is it sad to think more of a person than who they actually are?
it might be impossible to tell how much of a person anyone can be.

i think i could be tame and sweet if the mood struck me.

good description of where my brain is

This whole routine is getting old
So am I and so are you.
My reputation lets me know I can do whatever I want to
Though it seems that you believe you can do whatever it is you please
Not before, not before you wind up on your knees.

(Don't cry to me no more)
You like the way that people stare at you now
You look so fake, just thought that you should know
And you're all the same and when the curtain drops down
You'll be replaced by something typical.

You set yourself up to be sold.
And that's okay cause that's your role.
Manipulation takes it toll.
What will you do when nobody wants you?
Though it seems that you believe you can do whatever it is you please
Not before, not before you wind up on your knees.

(Don't cry to me no more)
You like the way that people stare at you now
You look so fake, just thought that you should know
And you're all the same and when the curtain drops down
You'll be replaced by something typical.

I know I've stood so long beside you
And I know I should have left you right where I had found you
I know I stood so long beside you
And I've known I should have left you right where I had found you

You like the way that people stare at you now
You look so fake, just thought that you should know
And you're all the same and when the curtain drops down
You'll be replaced by something typical.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sn4rS8uY2BA

i dearly love all my friends.

thanks for the ice cream, and the general safe body meshing which was so fun.

there may be people out there, in the real world, given the perfect opportunity, that i would not fuck. this is a revelation. am i coming down?

thank god.

Go Radio!

lists are the love of my life

what i liked about today, in chronological order:

- waking up feeling shitty but being able to go back to sleep
- getting anxious about my new therapist and it turning out to be easy and fun
- paying someone to let me talk nonstop for an hour
- driving back up to ames
- having to think on my feet when my cell phone loses service
- the majestic butterfly wing making me feel pretty damned majestic
- meeting Robin in the butterfly wing because she is proactive and super nice
- seeing a moth the size of an 8 year old
- having someone make an effort to be my company
- DINOSAURS MOTHERFUCKER
- taking Michael to Panchero's because he'd never been there before
- amazingly comfortable couches
- jaw crushing hugs that make you feel appreciated
- an overwhelming sense of being comfortable in my skin
- thinking about gorgeous Pakistani guys
- meeting Rachel at the exact same time she was meeting me
- great opening bands
- Paul rocking out Agristar calls
- Woodchuck on tap
- being the happiest person in the room
- feeling physically strong and enduring again
- being brave and wild and completely un-self-conscious
- having things already done when i get home
- not having to wake up earlier than I need to in the morning

having amazing friends and knowing amazing people.

choose your own adventure

you just woke up from a bad dream. what do you do?

to wake up and make breakfast, turn to page 6.
to go back to sleep, turn to page 8.
to turn into a hysterical woman who has to be dragged away by emts, turn to page 13.

-----

you have murdered your entire family, return to page 12.

-----

you have been eaten by a grue. go back to page 5.

-----

you never wake up again. sorry.

-----

they are going to leave you here. do not pass go. do not collect $200.

-----

you have no choice. proceed to the last page.

-----

Congratulations, you killed the dinosaurs, saved the universe, and made chicken pot pie. Have a nice day.

my freedom is in question

i'm scared. i'll cop to it. this is the deciding moment.

one of them, anyway.

it happened while we slept.

someone burned our village down, and now we're dead and we don't know it.

this is what it's like to die in your sleep. but it will be fine.

i knew this day would come, but i fucking hate you anyway.

"Get out!" is what i keep screaming at you because i'm dead and how can you be here?
trauma, trauma
and you will come back.

i can't even stand the structure of sentences right now.

what i would say to stephan jenkins:

we should talk like real people.

it's my birthday and i want you to acknowledge me. someone should say anything that makes me feel like life isn't entirely up to chance, that thoughts aren't entirely up to chance. that they don't pop into heads on a whim and take up space or fade away. i want to know someone thinks about me enough to make an effort to remember me, and i want proof. i have to know.

i want to make a difference and i want to see it.